You start by talking about the weekend’s plans and within minutes you’re arguing about who makes all the decisions, who never listens and how you’ve never forgiven your partner for the choices that were made at your wedding six years ago.
Somehow, the conversation has become another version of an argument you’ve had many times before. Why is this happening? What causes these emotions to drive problem-solving? What can we do to change it?
Knowledge gives us options
In his research into relationships, John Gottman identified four patterns of behaviour that can damage a couple’s connection and lead to bad times: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
It’s a dramatic name, but not without reason. His research linked these patterns to an increased risk of relationship breakdown, particularly when they become persistent. Don’t worry, though. When we recognise these patterns, we can get to work. Habits can change, and this knowledge gives us a starting point for change, rather than a verdict on your future together.
So let’s dig into these patterns…
1. Criticism
Criticism turns a concern about something that happened into an attack on the person.
“You’re so inconsiderate. You make plans and just expect me to fit in.”
There may be a real concern underneath that sentence. But it can be difficult to hear when it arrives wrapped in an accusation, especially when the emphasis falls on that three-letter word: “you”.
Antidote: Gottman’s answer to this problem is the skill of a gentle start-up when giving feedback or asking for a change. Explain what happened, how you feel and what you need, while avoiding an accusatory tone.
“I felt left out when Saturday was arranged without me. Could we check with each other before making plans?”
The concern still gets expressed. It also gives your partner something clear to respond to.
It’s a great idea to rehearse this feedback when you’re calm.
2. Contempt
Contempt communicates that we look down on our partner. It can come through in mockery, insults, hostile sarcasm or an eye-roll.
“That’s a brilliant idea. Just like the last time you got the date wrong.”
Repeated disrespect makes it difficult to feel valued or close. We all need to be valued and respected, even when we get things wrong.
Antidote: The alternative involves rebuilding respect and appreciation in everyday life. Notice something — anything — your partner does that matters to you, and tell them specifically what you appreciate, even if it’s something you expect them to do.
If there is disagreement, put the concern into words:
“I’m worried about what that would cost. Can we look at it together?”
(Notice the focus on the concern, without blame.)
You can take a concern or decision seriously while treating each other with care and respect.
3. Defensiveness
When we feel accused, our emotional reaction may be to explain ourselves immediately or even return a complaint of our own.
“Well, you forget things too.” Or, “You shout sometimes.”
It may be true, but the original concern has now disappeared beneath the emphasis on the other person. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t made a mistake or played a part in a regrettable incident.
Antidote: An option here is to choose to take responsibility for the part that belongs to you.
“I said I’d send the form and forgot. I’m sorry. I’ll do it this evening.”
This means being honest about your own actions and their consequences. You can acknowledge your contribution without accepting every accusation or taking responsibility for your partner’s behaviour.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when someone withdraws from the conversation: going silent, turning away or no longer responding.
Often, the person who is stonewalling feels overwhelmed and struggles to take anything more in. To their partner, that silence may feel like rejection. Yet, as research into physiological responses shows, there can be a lot of stress and emotion bubbling underneath.
Antidote: What we can do here is communicate the need for a break and agree when we’ll return.
For example: “I want to hear what you’re saying, but I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Let’s take half an hour and talk again at seven.”
Gottman recommends a break of at least 20 minutes to allow time for the emotions to settle.
Some people need longer. It’s important for both partners to use that time for something calming, such as a walk or listening to music, and keep the agreement to return. If you need more time, say so and agree another time together.
Start with one small change
When things are calm, choose one pattern you recognise in yourself.
Think about what you were feeling in that moment, what you needed and how you might better express it next time. Perhaps you needed more help, some attention, a say in a decision or time to gather your thoughts.
Then practise a different response.
You might be able to catch yourself halfway through a sentence and say:
“That came out harshly. I’m frustrated, and I’d like us to work this out.”
Give yourself time to learn and be sure to notice the moments when a conversation goes a little better.
Looking forward
Remember, you are in the most important team in your life.
You might both care deeply about the relationship but still find yourselves stuck in conversations that leave you feeling further apart.
Practising new skills, exploring new knowledge and agreeing to try to change things for the better can enrich your lives and open a new chapter you hadn’t imagined before.
If you’ve read this and thought, “This sounds familiar”, you’re welcome to get in touch with me, Steve. I welcome questions and would be happy to explore how these ideas might help a relationship feel richer and more connected.